Tank Girl Still Sucks

With the rise in movies based on comics, I was excited to see that Tank Girl was just starting on Cinemax the other day. I thought I could use a refresher course since I hadn't watched it in years, and sure enough, it still sucked. This is why.

Lori Petty - She's best at looking pretty and showing 3/4 of a boob every now and then, that's about it.

Ice-T - Has any movie with Ice T ever been good? Or Ice Cube? or anyone else with the word 'Ice' in their name? He's so disgruntled in this role. I guess in every role. Go away Ice-T.

More like bats with big tails

The Rippers - The creepy ass kangaroo men things are nasty. Not the concept of a half kangaroo half man soldier creeps me out, but the way they are depicted in this movie is just plain nasty. The colors of some of the rippers in the comic book are striped and spotted kind of like reptile/zebra patterns. Although the rippers in the film look like burn victims or sufferers of vitiligo universalis. It's just nasty. Also they have these gross lips that make them look like a hairy Steven Tyler. Also nasty.

Bestiality - So Tank Girl ends up kissing Booga the ripper at the end of the movie, but you totally know they get it on because Tank Girl rolls like that. All of this, even after Booga openly admits to originally being a dog who was then mutated into a kangaroo man thing. So not only is she boning a kangaroo, but a kangaroo that used to be a dog. Gross.

One of the three Lori Petty movies that anyone remembers

The Plot - I loved this story when it was called "In The Army Now." I think it went something like this.
          "Hey Lori Petty, want to star in a movie?"
          "I sure do, but on one condition."
          "Sure, you name it!"
          "It has to involve me with a shaved head in the desert in search of water."
          "You got it!"

Cut Aways - I guess the director ran out of material to fill the 104 minutes and felt it was ok to add zoomy, music montages of comic strip pages from the Tank Girl comic. This also gave him the opportunity to show a scene and not use any actors or props. Example: when they upgrade the Water & Power tank to be a bit more suitable for TG, it's just a bunch of stills from the comic strip and a voice over of Lori P. saying things like "yea!" and "pow!" and shit. They aren't that short either, not like what you'd expect between scenes of Saved By The Bell or something, these are their own little segments of nothingness.

Invincibility - What fun would it be if the main character got shot and died. None, I know. But that doesn't give the film the right to rub it in our face. Tank Girl might as well have had a midget in a backpack constantly shooting her in the head without causing her any injury with the way she gets through some of these fight scenes. Her biggest injury the entire film was a cut on her forehead.



If you want any reason to see it, i'd say see it for Naomi Watts. She is just so adorably nerdy in it, with her pre-movie star eye brows, round glasses and short black hair. Also that accent! Australia here I come.

Also, the ending it stupid and abrupt. Like this.