You've Met These Online Daters Before

Through the many popular apps for rating your local tail, and various websites that match users based on interests or questionnaires, I have found that a I often run across the same types of people in the dating pool.

Maybe you've stumbled across one of these 13 people yourself.

The Where's Waldo

If your first message to a potential date is “which one are you?”, you’ve found a Waldo. These daters love their friends, so much so that they won’t pose for a photo without them. It’s a new age of blind dating with them since you have a 1 out of 15 chance of knowing what they’ll look like.

The Angles

Relive 2005 with these online daters who were too fond of Myspace to let their habits die. Always striving to look the best, their overhead selfies suggest that their hourglass figure, is more of a funnel…. a funnel of love.

The Zoom Out

"HEELLOOOO. DON’T I LOOK NICE?” No one really has any idea how they look because all of this persons photos are taken from a span that would make the moon jealous. Is it ironic that they aren’t looking for a long distance relationship? 

The Steve Erwin

Monkeys, Tigers and Parrots, oh my! A trip to the zoo won’t suffice for this travel bug. The Erwin in them wants you to know, for sure, that they touched a tiger on the other side of the planet…. with three of their fingers…. while the Cambodian trainer distracted it with treats. You rebel you.

The Heavy Weight Champ

Putting your best foot forward has always been a good way to meet people. The Heavy Weight Champ lives by this phrase and wants to give you their best photo first, usually them at age 21, eating cheetos and celebrating a high metabolism. Slowly as you click through their photos, the cheetos add up and now that "best foot" has slowly transformed into a 28-year-old, orange dust cloud of guilt and snacking. 

The Sporty Spice

Don’t even think about suggesting a movie to see, this person will not sit down unless they’re strapped in to a zip line! The order of the photos on Sporty Spice’s profile is usually them hiking, doing a triathlon, finishing the color run, rock climbing, slaying a dragon and mountain biking. I hope you brought your A-game because this potential date is already packing their tent for a cliffside picnic.

The All By My Selfie

Who needs friends, not this person. Hell, they don’t even want family to pose in photos with them. Nothing says self-confidence like 5 mirror selfies in a row. See also: The Angles for this online dater’s stye of photo.

The T9

What good is a closeup if the photo looks as if an identity is trying to be hidden. Welcome to pixel city with this nostalgic dater using their Nokia that still requires T9 to type messages. Sometimes mystery can be intriguing…. sometimes.

The Clark Kent

Look at my lips! Look at my single eye! Look at my feet, but don’t look at my face!! Secret identities are cool, but you’ve got to stick with at least one to online date. Scared your friends, coworkers or Lex Luther might recognize you online and mail you some kryptonite? Don’t worry, no one will mail you anything.

The Hookup

Let’s cut to the chase, we all know why you made an account here. This selfless dater wants to give you the full package up front. Similar to the Clark Kent, you won’t always see this persons face, but they are here for one thing, and that is to get down and dirty with the first person that messages them. (Warning, this person has mastered the angles and the art of using their fit friends photos)

The Boo

“I’m here to meet cool new people. In the meantime, have a look of a bunch of photos with my ex.” This scenario, that would not make much sense in real life, somehow DOES as an online occurrence. Is “making sense” the proper term? Or more like “getting by”?

The Beef Cake

No color runs for this muscle factory. If it isn’t made by bow flex, it aint shit. The mirror at the gym is this online daters personal selfie enhancer and they’ve got 4 photos a week to prove it. At least you know where they are when they aren’t at home.

The One Is The Loneliest Number

Take any of the photographic scenarios above and stick it into a single photo. Talk about tall dark and mysterious.


You may know one of these perpetrators, hell, you may even be one. So be nice to those looking unto your photos and put your best, and well lit foot forward, by yourself, visibly, with your whole face, from straight on. That should do it.

I got Mike Oncley! Which human being are you?

You were born in Long Beach, CA and now live in Seattle. You like to make art and eat lots of food. Making jokes is a past time and your dog Wayne loves you very much.

I hope the desire to compare oneself to someone else dies sooner than later on Facebook. It doesn't matter what Game of Thrones character you are, or which dog from Beverly Hill Chihuahua you are.

Please take this moment to ask Facebook which human being you are(verbally), then turn directly to a mirror and you win! You got the best possible outcome to the question. Yourself.


Now go outside and make something.

Man Math

I just finished watching Unicorn City, great flick.

I couldn't help but notice a slight resemblance as the movie started, that's when I realized....

Doug Benson plus Ryan Gosling equals Devin McGinn.

McGinn plays the antagonist Voss in Unicorn City and his dopey eyes, hunky scruff and calm demeanor can only be the result of a Benson/Gosling love child.

Interesting fact: He get's his hunky scruff from Doug.

All looks aside, a recommend the movie to anyone who is into video games and board games. It also shows a very true point about doing what you love and how diving head first into something can be scary yet rewarding.

Seattle Feeds Creatives

Working around so many right-brained people at my day job has enlightened me of the vast amount of creative thinkers in Seattle. There are some things about the city that draws the manic artist to it year after year. I may have figured them out.

The Coffee: You are up late. You're up late almost every night, hunched over a sketch pad or tablet or laptop or anything! Not only staying up late requires a vast amount of coffee, but functioning the next day will require at least 5 cups before noon. Where else can you get the best coffees with two on every corner? I can literally trip and fall across the street and start ordering coffee, which I do most mornings.

The Rain: There is no better excuse, to staying in doors, than the rain. Some people don't understand "no, I'm staying in, I have to stare at a canvas until I see something in it." There are nights when you need those uninterrupted hours. Fortunately, Mr. Cumulonimbus knows what you need and sprinkles a little precipitation on the city.

The Bars: If there is one thing that outnumbers the coffee shops, it's the bars. That being said, there is a limitless amount of bars that you can go to to have a quiet drink, eat some munch, write a paragraph, sketch a draft, do math, again anything. Creative humans don't only go to these bars, but most are owned by them. The Unicorn is a perfect example of someone's creative juice being splattered all over their walls as a welcoming environment for your thoughts.

The Supplies: Seattle is scattered with Universities and Community Colleges. These help to ensure the restocking of obscure films, art supplies and the existence of countless framing stores. It is amazing having an art store in walking distance almost anywhere you live.

and finally, as of recently... The Weed: Of course, but I don't need to get into that.

Maybe Seattle has a master plan for creative thinkers. Maybe it'll merge with Portland and create the hippest thing you've ever seen. Maybe Bruce Lee will karate chop out of his grave and become a zombie crime fighter. Who knows. What were we talking about?

What is Goo Aush?

I have seen this word before. I have been reading it for years, never once have I heard it said by a person. I think artists avoid saying it to avoid awkwardness but one of them did.

This introduction to illustration video has the talented Alison Woodward illustrating some animals in bottles and gives it some nice highlights using GWOSH at the end.



I was blown away. Forever I thought it was "gauch" or "goush" or just something non-audible. Anyway, I looked it up and it is pronounced "goo-aush" but when said fast enough sounds exactly like "gwosh".

Maybe I can finally buy it in confidence.

Patagonian Mara

Well that makes sense.....

Bambi + Thumper = Patagonian Mara

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man

So if Mr. Tambourine Man were to play a song for me, wouldn't it just be the simplest and most boring song ever? He only has a tambourine. I suppose he can hit it on his leg, or shake it for effect, but it would still be pretty basic.

...and isn't it usually girls that play tambourine?

Dave Matthews and Bleu Cheese

Through past discussions and debates, I have come to the conclusion that Dave Matthews Band is a lot like Bleu cheese. You either despise even the thought of it, or you can't get enough of it. There is absolutely no gray area between the two.
I wonder how Dave Matthews feels about Bleu cheese.

Dears Ladies

You are protected by the Constitution to show your breasts in public, if the purpose of doing so is to protest the local laws of public nudity.

Sooooooooooo..... get to it.

Snuggy.... Now with Small Pox

Ok, so as the story goes, settlers come, discover America for the 2nd time, slaughter a bunch of natives, but what I want to know is how on earth did John Smith successfully deliver smallpox infested blankets to these people? Wouldn't the white guy that dropped them off get smallpox? Would he already be in some sort of stage 1 smallpox that is easily noticed by the Indian? Wouldn't he act suspicious in some ways? I could imagine,

"Hey I have a gift for you!"
"Sweet, what is it?"
"Nice warm new handmade blankets!" 
"Rad, I'm like so cold at night."
"Yea no prob bud."
"Cool... well, where are they?"
"Oh just on the end of this rope, a half-mile away"
"Oh, a bit odd, but sure. Ill just pull it i--"
"No no no no!"
"What"
"Lemme just, uh, just let me get to a good distance."
"Distance?"
"Yea... uh.... because you're gonna be soooo surprised. I just want to give you enough room"
"....alright"
"Yea so just enjoy. Be sure to stay warm tonight in those. Roll around in them and stuff."
[Captain Joe Shmo walks away]
"What a strange person. But I sure can't wait to get me some blanket action!"

I would be a little weary of those blankets from the first smallpoxy "achoo" coming off the guy (they sneeze right?)

Maybe they Just made them super fashionable and everybody went nuts for them regardless.
"This blanket makes me itch..... but it goes perfect with my buffalo skin leg warmers!"

Have A Nice Life

I heard someone say "have a nice life," and as positive as it may sound when dissecting it, it is always a negative statement.

Always

Why it sounds positive:

1. The word "nice." That's a pretty good start for a positive phrase right? Most sentences containing the word "nice" are usually referring to enjoyable weather, or people, or anything. Unless the sentence is something like "nice shirt, dipshit." Which, in that case, isn't too positive.

2. Adding the word "life" to "nice." Ok so now the person using this phrase is not only hoping for you to have some niceness in your life, but now they want your entire life to be nice. That is a lot of niceness. How could anyone take this comment in a negative way when it is such a positive statement?

Why it sounds negative:

1. Im numbering this one for consistency, but it only needs one reason. Through all of the gumdrops and rainbows of words in this phrase, the bottom line is that the person saying it, is also saying "I hope I never see your bitch face again, so get out of my life. Hope yours is swell, but I really don't." Normally people would say "have a nice day," "have a good one(just one)," or "have a great [insert time period less than a lifetime]." This would imply that the user of the phrase actually intends to see the receiver on another occasion.

So what could end up being the nicest statement ever said, is turned completely negative by whiney recipients who assume that the "nice-life-wisher" only wishes to never see them again, completely ruining any chance of a genuine "nice-life-wisher" of getting their positive reinforcement across to their down and out friend.

Have a nice life.

Don't give a....

"I take my coffee DGAFeinated"

Poople friendly

While watching a fellow employee scoop raisins into a plastic container, i looked at the bag and noticed the image on the bag clearly depicted raisins as well as grapes. This is obvious because raisins come from grapes. Then I thought about grape juice, very delicious and good for you, but is there raisin juice? No thats stupid, why would you dry something out and then expect to make juice from it..... oh wait.

PRUNE JUICE! Prunes are dried out plums. So why would you name a liquidy drink after the dried up fruit that the drink actually comes from? This stuff should have been named Plum Juice from day one. Doesn't that sound more appetizing? I want some friggin plum juice right now. Look at the bottle, there are plums on the label! Not prunes, plums. Not even both prunes & plums, just straight up, juice filled plums. Also, what if I want to enjoy some delicious plum juice as one would enjoy some grape juice or apple juice? You cant do it. Once anyone sees you buying prune juice at Ralphs they think, "boy, that guy needs to shit." "Oh it seems to not be scanning. *loudspeaker* price check on prune juice. price check on prune juice, this guy must be pretty backed up and needs to clear his pipes." followed by me grabbing the mic and trying to convince the store that i just like the taste.

I have devised a plan to make a business out of selling Plum Juice. It'll have Welches running for their money because it will allow all the closet plum lovers to finally enjoy their drink in public. The same goes for you delicious fiber breakfast bars. We get it, you have fiber in you. You don't need to put "FIBER!" across the label. Why not just call it "AWESOME BAR (with fiber)"? 

Because if I want to enjoy my awesome bar and plum juice in the morning, I don't need people to automatically assume I'll be taking a fat dump in 3 hours.

Self Diagnosis

Ok so ritalin makes kids with ADHD calm down right?

And it makes kids without ADHD bounce off the walls right?

ok….

So Red Bull makes normal people bounce off the walls right?

So then why did I  drink a Red Bull last night and feel like I had calm control over everything? Do I have ADHD? ADD? Some new strange disease that is suppressed with Red Bull(which I have now deemed Redalin)?

I felt like Fry drinking his 100th cup of coffee while I drove home from my grandparents in Norcal.


Maybe my years of constant caffeine have finally caught up with me

2010 Penny

Oh hello coolest penny ever.

Picked this sucker up in my tips today. As an amateur coin collector, and coat of arms enthusiast, I feel this penny design kicks ass. Coming up in close second is Lincoln chopping wood at his log cabin. This new one just brings a sort of strength to the look of the coin. Kudos Denver mint.

Cooties

It may be because i've gotten older, but I never hear kids mention cooties anymore. Do youngins not believe in the invisible bug carried by the opposite sex?

Maybe they just chase each other and say they have H1N1

Will The Lap Band Cost You Your Life?

Via KNIVES?!

So with every billboard on every freeway being turned into an advertisement for the lap band, it's helped me see how the girl in the ad looks like she is holding invisible knives.

I've taken the liberty of adding them back into the photo. It just makes more sense now.

Why so lazy US?

The US took some time to occupy. Lots of exploring, lots of migrating and killing, all in the name of expansion. One thing that has always bugged me about the US is how it was laid out.

Before the settlers hit the Oregon trail they were cutting up states left and right. It seems like on the east you can take a sharp left and you're accidentally in another state. Look at it, they can't even fit the names on the map. Living on the west coast I am forced to drive for hours before I can cross any borderline. I always imagined some designated 'state-divide maker' was getting tired in his google maps wagon and fell asleep sometime around Missouri.

"Should we make the border here? hello? right here?"

"Zzzzz, whaaa? a um uh, zzzz, not yet, further, zzzzzzz"

"It's gonna be one of those days" *hold for laughter and applause*

You get what I'm saying. Also state laws aren't as interesting because you can't cross a quick border to talk on your cellphone in your car, or ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Maybe we could spice California up a little bit with a three part state division. LA, SF…. and the rest. Eh? It might need some work.

We can discuss House representatives and Governing later…… and I suppose we could give that top third to Sacramento….. maybe.

Pavlov's Children

You may not know it, but you have been a part of the worlds largest experiment since you stepped foot into kindergarten.

Insanity

I feel one day I will go insane. This isn't a lyric or a poem, I just think that I have great insanity potential.