Tuesday, June 10, 2014

You've Met These Online Daters Before

Through the many popular apps for rating your local tail, and various websites that match users based on interests or questionnaires, I have found that a I often run across the same types of people in the dating pool.

Maybe you've stumbled across one of these 13 people yourself.

The Where's Waldo
If your first message to a potential date is “which one are you?”, you’ve found a Waldo. These daters love their friends, so much so that they won’t pose for a photo without them. It’s a new age of blind dating with them since you have a 1 out of 15 chance of knowing what they’ll look like.

The Angles
Relive 2005 with these online daters who were too fond of Myspace to let their habits die. Always striving to look the best, their overhead selfies suggest that their hourglass figure, is more of a funnel…. a funnel of love.

The Zoom Out
"HEELLOOOO. DON’T I LOOK NICE?” No one really has any idea how they look because all of this persons photos are taken from a span that would make the moon jealous. Is it ironic that they aren’t looking for a long distance relationship? 

The Steve Erwin
Monkeys, Tigers and Parrots, oh my! A trip to the zoo won’t suffice for this travel bug. The Erwin in them wants you to know, for sure, that they touched a tiger on the other side of the planet…. with three of their fingers…. while the Cambodian trainer distracted it with treats. You rebel you.

The Heavy Weight Champ
Putting your best foot forward has always been a good way to meet people. The Heavy Weight Champ lives by this phrase and wants to give you their best photo first, usually them at age 21, eating cheetos and celebrating a high metabolism. Slowly as you click through their photos, the cheetos add up and now that "best foot" has slowly transformed into a 28-year-old, orange dust cloud of guilt and snacking. 

The Sporty Spice
Don’t even think about suggesting a movie to see, this person will not sit down unless they’re strapped in to a zip line! The order of the photos on Sporty Spice’s profile is usually them hiking, doing a triathlon, finishing the color run, rock climbing, slaying a dragon and mountain biking. I hope you brought your A-game because this potential date is already packing their tent for a cliffside picnic.

The All By My Selfie
Who needs friends, not this person. Hell, they don’t even want family to pose in photos with them. Nothing says self-confidence like 5 mirror selfies in a row. See also: The Angles for this online dater’s stye of photo.

The T9
What good is a closeup if the photo looks as if an identity is trying to be hidden. Welcome to pixel city with this nostalgic dater using their Nokia that still requires T9 to type messages. Sometimes mystery can be intriguing…. sometimes.

The Clark Kent
Look at my lips! Look at my single eye! Look at my feet, but don’t look at my face!! Secret identities are cool, but you’ve got to stick with at least one to online date. Scared your friends, coworkers or Lex Luther might recognize you online and mail you some kryptonite? Don’t worry, no one will mail you anything.

The Hookup
Let’s cut to the chase, we all know why you made an account here. This selfless dater wants to give you the full package up front. Similar to the Clark Kent, you won’t always see this persons face, but they are here for one thing, and that is to get down and dirty with the first person that messages them. (Warning, this person has mastered the angles and the art of using their fit friends photos)

The Boo
“I’m here to meet cool new people. In the meantime, have a look of a bunch of photos with my ex.” This scenario, that would not make much sense in real life, somehow DOES as an online occurrence. Is “making sense” the proper term? Or more like “getting by”?

The Beef Cake
No color runs for this muscle factory. If it isn’t made by bow flex, it aint shit. The mirror at the gym is this online daters personal selfie enhancer and they’ve got 4 photos a week to prove it. At least you know where they are when they aren’t at home.

The One Is The Loneliest Number
Take any of the photographic scenarios above and stick it into a single photo. Talk about tall dark and mysterious.

You may know one of these perpetrators, hell, you may even be one. So be nice to those looking unto your photos and put your best, and well lit foot forward, by yourself, visibly, with your whole face, from straight on. That should do it.