Mike's Coffee Etiquette

As most of you know, iI work at a coffee shop. I work at It's A Grind pretty much every morning from 5am to whenever. I get the privelage of seeing many different kinds of people and experiencing their personalities. Although this sounds like sugar and rainbows it can be a bit daunting.

I come to see many habits and traits that customers have that are a little less than appealing, especially to someone who is about to make something that will go in your mouth. Here is a not-so-short list of my pet peeves of annoying customers at It's A Grind:

The Early Bird - Good job, you are very punctual and you've made it to the store before we've opened, now wait until we actually do open. Please do not come in and come to the counter for service. If you see us setting up that means we aren't ready....if the door says we open at 6 and it's 5:50 then hold your damn horses for ten minutes. And of course the door is unlocked, the chairs and umbrellas don't put themselves out.

The Cup Grabber - I work at It's A Grind, you drink at It's A Grind. When you walk up to the counter, do not simply grab a cup on your own and look at me, that's my job. Yea you want a coffee, so does everyone else that walks in the unlocked door. I get paid min. wage to hear what you want and get it for you, don't take that away from me.

The Regular? - "I'll just have my regular." "Who are you!?" Just because someone from this store has helped you a few times doesn't mean we write down your name and drink and SSN and where you live and how you like your back rubbed. There are about 14 people working at my store and it takes actual lengths of time before we remember your drink. And please let US show you we remembered, don't assume that we will...as they say, when you assume, you're dumb.

Keep the change - This is less common but when it happens I am baffled. Say someone orders a coffee and pays with the next highest bill. While I make change they tip me with the loose coins in their pocket, presuming they want to get rid of the change in their pocket. I hand them their change from the transaction and they pocket all of it, bills and coins. Why not put the coins from the transaction in the tips? Why just the loose coins in their pocket that the coinstar wouldn't accept the day before? if it were one or two people I wouldn't question it but it is a handful of them.

Mile Walkers - Why park 1/3 of a mile away from the door? This seems to only happen when the parking lot is empty. There are spots 10 ft from the entrance, but noooo, Lewis and Clark have to make it an expedition. The longer you walk towards the door, the more time it gives me to hate you....or maybe just question your life choices.

Goodmorning...... - There is a norm in the USA, we say "good morning" and then YOU say "good morning" or some greeting of the sort. It creates common ground in the fact that we would both like each other to have a good morning. I don't remember my first grade teacher telling me that after she says good morning I am supposed to start telling her what I need from her. Same goes for ordering a drink. I have a boss...you dont look like my boss...sure I'll listen....but if you start telling me what to do ill start telling you to shut the hell up.

Come on over baby - Upkeep is a must. We wash the windows, we sweep the floor, we mop the floor. That's why we get paid. While we are doing this, the last thing we want to hear is "Hey when you're done with that you can do my house." That hasn't been funny since the 40's when it was first said. Of course we laugh, but we die a little on the inside.

The Tapper - As you read, we clean a lot. The last thing we want to see is your greasy fingerprints on our glass case. We know the names of our foods, you dont have to point at them and leave big smudgy dots and smears where we just cleaned. Next time i see that happen i am going to murder someone....then rub the murder weapon on your detailed print and send you away. Then when you are in jail, i'll come visit you and put my hand prints all over the plexy glass wall between you and me because i have to point out the jerk off in the room.

The Questionair - Scene: "Hi I've never been here before, what do you recommend?" "Do you want something sweet or chocolaty or hot or cold?" "Hmm, something hot. Hot and sweet" "Oh well i bet you'll like a White Chocolate Mocha!" "I'll just get a regular coffee." End scene.................don't do that.

The Label Reader - We put labels on our food in our glass case. When the case is fingerprint free it is pretty easy to see the food and the labels. Sometimes when a morning is a little busy we forget to put the labels in the right place (we ARE working from behind the labels after all). This may be our slip-up, but it isn't that hard to tell a cinnamon roll from a blueberry muffin. If a label says chocolate muffin, and you are looking at a cherry filled danish, use your head! That's why it's there.

The Lost Boys...and Girls - What the hell is Venti? We don't have lemonade. We don't make FRAPPACHINOS. And does it say "skinny" anywhere on our menu? No. We aren't Starbucks, we never were Starbucks and we will never be Starbucks. Please look at the large purple sign outside and realize where you are before you sound like an idiot. I have actually helped people that said their order(wrong), paid, got their change and then said, "Wait a minute, this isn't Starbucks." And venti???? If anything people should be using the terms "small, medium and large" at starbucks instead of their italian bullshit. I know i do....guess what, they still make the drink the right size. But if you say "tall, grande or venti" at IAG...then i'll act like you are speaking another language.....because you are.

The Barista Hawk - Your drink is very precious to you, i mean it cost you $4 after all. And im sure these idiot college kids won't take your order right and will end up making your drink wrong. That's why it is your job to watch the barista like a molester on a playground. Why not pop your eyes out and place them on their shoulder while they make your drink. It's not like they do this every damn day. Also be sure to know if it is infact your drink that you are becoming concerned about. Example "Hey i didn't want whipped cream!" "This isn't your drink...." *awkward silence*

The Running Man - If you are in a big hurry, DON'T GET COFFEE! Other people get coffee to, that makes a line. No, employees will not allow cuts, that's between you and the other customers. Plus no one needs your stress of a rushed drink. If you need something that fast go through a drive-thru, that way the worst you can do is honk while you're stuck in your spot.

Order Up - An iced drink and a hot drink are very different. We use touch screen registers that organize these drinks as such. If you let out your whole shpeel for your drink adding "...oh! iced," at the end, that means we have to start all over. Also the register organizes by size too, we need to put that in first. If you say your half hour long order and you haven't said the size yet, that means we haven't put anything into your order yet. This may be different some places but it is the IAG way.

Novels - Novels are meant to be written and read, they aren't meant to be recited to a person paid $7.50 an hour in order to make your drink. If your drink takes longer to say than it does to make, is it really worth it?

Money Games - I stopped playing baseball 8 years ago, just because you felt the need to practice your under arm pitch doesn't mean every register wielding coffee connoisseur has to suffer. When you hand someone money to pay for a drink the key word is hand. Out of your hand and into mine, not pitched or chucked or tossed onto the counter in front of both of us. Next time that happens I might just have to hand them their drink.

And my #1 pp. is The Good Listener - I'd say our store is 25x12ft. Not that big, if I call out your name I'm sure anyone in the same room would hear it...so I thought. I dont care how into your youtube videos you are, or your friends blog where they just posted an entrie entry about their pet peeves, it takes about two minutes to make a drink which is just short enough for your ADD ass to pay attention to whats going on in the room and what is said. Also I'd think 2 minutes isn't long enough to forget your drink. If someone comes up to you 120 seconds after you order a large latte and ask you "large latte?" you shouldn't have to ask "Is it for Kim?" Im sure in that time limit there where 6 more people that got large lattes right? If you remembered your drink it wouldnt matter if it was for Kim or Joe or Bobby or Vicky...if the large lattes get mixed up WHO CARES it's still a large latte.

From the bottom of my heart I ask you to read these and take them to...heart. DON'T ACT LIKE THESE PEOPLE, especially towards someone who will make something that you put in your mouth.

Your super friendly caffeinated barista

-Mike