I almost vomit every time I drive by the billboard for The Spy Next Door on PCH. What happened JC? I have about the same expectations for this movie that I did Wild Hogs, but at least there were good actors in that movie.
Im no director, im no actor, but I just can't fathom how someone writes this over used plot and feels confident pitching it. As well as the fact that these 'actors' read the script and said, "I'm in!" I put actors in quotes because The Spy Next Door stars Jackie Chan, Billy Ray Cyrus and George Lopez.; a martial arts expert, a country singer, and a comedian. I might also add that each of these men are the epitome of their race; kung fu Asian, red neck white guy, and the über Mexican whose only jokes are about how Mexican he is.
Billy Ray even plays Jackie Chan's tech savvy, spy assisant, guy, thingy which I find highly unbelievable. I felt that if I were ever in an action movie I would play that guy that sits at the computer and just makes shit happen via his keyboard and has all the cool gadgets (think Seth Green in Italian Job), and to see BRC take a hillbilly dump on top of my favorite role makes me a sad panda. I haven't seen this movie and never will, but let me take a swing at the plot.
"Im Bob Ho and I'm a super spy and can do anything, but when it comes to handling kids I don't know a damn thing. They don't except me and wont open up to me. Uh oh, now there are spies trying to hurt them and I have to save them with my super spy skills. Maybe I'll get in trouble and they will return the favor Home Alone 3 style, I bet they will. Oh wow, they are finally opening up to me and we are working together to save the day. Hooray!"
Oh darn, did I spoil the movie for you? Sorry Lionsgate, looks like I lost you a potential 10% of movie goers. That's right, now only 9 people will watch your movie since I have spoiled the plot.
Looking over the cast on IMDB I see that there are characters such as 'cute girl' and 'bully.' Hmmmm, I wonder if Bob Ho might give some relationship advice to the boy, or maybe some martial arts advice to get rid of that gosh darn bully that's been bothering him. Hollywood can make a man sick sometimes. Is man destined to repeat the same movies for years? I know there are only so many formulas, but at least make yours original somehow instead of thinking that putting a huge pop star's washed up dad in a supporting role will get you more viewers.
I mean, I could watch Rush Hour and just imagine Chris Tucker as a child and it's the same thing.
"We don't get along! OMG I totally get you now. Lets work together and be friends!"This movie is released in 6 days from today, so I think that can give you enough time to do the latter and maybe mix in some Spy Kids just to get all pieces together in your brain.
"Spying is easy, this movie is gonna suck"
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