You've Met These Online Daters Before

Through the many popular apps for rating your local tail, and various websites that match users based on interests or questionnaires, I have found that a I often run across the same types of people in the dating pool.

Maybe you've stumbled across one of these 13 people yourself.

The Where's Waldo

If your first message to a potential date is “which one are you?”, you’ve found a Waldo. These daters love their friends, so much so that they won’t pose for a photo without them. It’s a new age of blind dating with them since you have a 1 out of 15 chance of knowing what they’ll look like.

The Angles

Relive 2005 with these online daters who were too fond of Myspace to let their habits die. Always striving to look the best, their overhead selfies suggest that their hourglass figure, is more of a funnel…. a funnel of love.

The Zoom Out

"HEELLOOOO. DON’T I LOOK NICE?” No one really has any idea how they look because all of this persons photos are taken from a span that would make the moon jealous. Is it ironic that they aren’t looking for a long distance relationship? 

The Steve Erwin

Monkeys, Tigers and Parrots, oh my! A trip to the zoo won’t suffice for this travel bug. The Erwin in them wants you to know, for sure, that they touched a tiger on the other side of the planet…. with three of their fingers…. while the Cambodian trainer distracted it with treats. You rebel you.

The Heavy Weight Champ

Putting your best foot forward has always been a good way to meet people. The Heavy Weight Champ lives by this phrase and wants to give you their best photo first, usually them at age 21, eating cheetos and celebrating a high metabolism. Slowly as you click through their photos, the cheetos add up and now that "best foot" has slowly transformed into a 28-year-old, orange dust cloud of guilt and snacking. 

The Sporty Spice

Don’t even think about suggesting a movie to see, this person will not sit down unless they’re strapped in to a zip line! The order of the photos on Sporty Spice’s profile is usually them hiking, doing a triathlon, finishing the color run, rock climbing, slaying a dragon and mountain biking. I hope you brought your A-game because this potential date is already packing their tent for a cliffside picnic.

The All By My Selfie

Who needs friends, not this person. Hell, they don’t even want family to pose in photos with them. Nothing says self-confidence like 5 mirror selfies in a row. See also: The Angles for this online dater’s stye of photo.

The T9

What good is a closeup if the photo looks as if an identity is trying to be hidden. Welcome to pixel city with this nostalgic dater using their Nokia that still requires T9 to type messages. Sometimes mystery can be intriguing…. sometimes.

The Clark Kent

Look at my lips! Look at my single eye! Look at my feet, but don’t look at my face!! Secret identities are cool, but you’ve got to stick with at least one to online date. Scared your friends, coworkers or Lex Luther might recognize you online and mail you some kryptonite? Don’t worry, no one will mail you anything.

The Hookup

Let’s cut to the chase, we all know why you made an account here. This selfless dater wants to give you the full package up front. Similar to the Clark Kent, you won’t always see this persons face, but they are here for one thing, and that is to get down and dirty with the first person that messages them. (Warning, this person has mastered the angles and the art of using their fit friends photos)

The Boo

“I’m here to meet cool new people. In the meantime, have a look of a bunch of photos with my ex.” This scenario, that would not make much sense in real life, somehow DOES as an online occurrence. Is “making sense” the proper term? Or more like “getting by”?

The Beef Cake

No color runs for this muscle factory. If it isn’t made by bow flex, it aint shit. The mirror at the gym is this online daters personal selfie enhancer and they’ve got 4 photos a week to prove it. At least you know where they are when they aren’t at home.

The One Is The Loneliest Number

Take any of the photographic scenarios above and stick it into a single photo. Talk about tall dark and mysterious.


You may know one of these perpetrators, hell, you may even be one. So be nice to those looking unto your photos and put your best, and well lit foot forward, by yourself, visibly, with your whole face, from straight on. That should do it.

My Beef, with Beef

I am against beef.

I don't care about cows rights or any junk like that, but I've gotten questions as to why I don't eat beef and here are the reasons:

Human Centipede

So we've all seen the ad for Human Centipede. Well I've had some thoughts about how the human centipede would really work out.... if done for real though.

Fatty Fronty - This thing is connected by the gastric system so, the front man will be the only one doing the eating. Each person still has their own stomach, so the only one really getting any nutrients from food is the front man. Also, I doubt this thing can move very well, so a whole lot of sitting and eating can lead to one big fatty.

Dead Middle - Doesn't eating poop kill you? I know German skat eaters can get away with swishing it around in their mouths, but doesn't trying to turn someone else's poop into your own poop open someone wormhole is time and kill you? Something like that. Plus talk about no nutritional value. Fatty McGee already sucked those up for himself. Bottom Line, whoever is in the middle is going to eat shit and die.

Skinny Legs - It's pretty apparent now that the last person is going to get little to no food at all, especially if the person in front of them dies!

Imagine a hippo, sitting on dead Klaus Barbi, sitting on Ally Mcbeal. Just no good.

Aside from these overlooked details, I still want to see this movie. It might become my new favorite cheesy horror movie right after Night of the Creeps.

Vac Man

Honestly, I liked playing with this a little bit more than my stretch armstrong for a few reasons.

1) He stayed stretched! How cool is that? and even if you didn't suck all of the air out of him, he could still stretch and release like Mr. Armstrong.

2) No corn syrup. Health nuts try to avoid it in their food, I try to avoid it in my toys.

3) The release button. This is when it got crazy and with a touch of a button he shrunk back to normal size. Now in writing that seems like some toy in the future.... not 1994.

4) He's naked. Whenever I would stretch Stretch, his bike riding shorts (or whatever they were) would find someway of interfering with my stretching fun. Vac Man knows how to party.

and 5) His name is Vac Man.

I loved my Stretch Armstrong and his little dog too, but when his armpit gave way and a sea of corn syrup covered my room, I still had my little vacuumed friend to play with. 

90's toys kicked ass

Costco sucks and so are you

Lately I've been going to Costco for my temp job as a PA, buying muffins and water and all the assortments for a good morning. While I browsed the aisles today I noticed how shitty Costco is laid out. This place is literally the worst place to go to shop comfortably. More power to the prices, can't beat those, but give me a break with this floor plan.

Here's what I dislike

How to make a successful blog

So you've made a blog, awesome, so did 30 million other people yesterday. Apart from notifying your tech savvy friends and relatives what you have been up to, blogs are usually around to get a good deal of followers or readers; but it has to be done right. Here is my short list of what you can do to make sure you aren't left in the blogging dust and aren't writing to yourself.

Tank Girl Still Sucks

With the rise in movies based on comics, I was excited to see that Tank Girl was just starting on Cinemax the other day. I thought I could use a refresher course since I hadn't watched it in years, and sure enough, it still sucked. This is why.

Lori Petty - She's best at looking pretty and showing 3/4 of a boob every now and then, that's about it.

Ice-T - Has any movie with Ice T ever been good? Or Ice Cube? or anyone else with the word 'Ice' in their name? He's so disgruntled in this role. I guess in every role. Go away Ice-T.

More like bats with big tails

The Rippers - The creepy ass kangaroo men things are nasty. Not the concept of a half kangaroo half man soldier creeps me out, but the way they are depicted in this movie is just plain nasty. The colors of some of the rippers in the comic book are striped and spotted kind of like reptile/zebra patterns. Although the rippers in the film look like burn victims or sufferers of vitiligo universalis. It's just nasty. Also they have these gross lips that make them look like a hairy Steven Tyler. Also nasty.

Bestiality - So Tank Girl ends up kissing Booga the ripper at the end of the movie, but you totally know they get it on because Tank Girl rolls like that. All of this, even after Booga openly admits to originally being a dog who was then mutated into a kangaroo man thing. So not only is she boning a kangaroo, but a kangaroo that used to be a dog. Gross.

One of the three Lori Petty movies that anyone remembers

The Plot - I loved this story when it was called "In The Army Now." I think it went something like this.
          "Hey Lori Petty, want to star in a movie?"
          "I sure do, but on one condition."
          "Sure, you name it!"
          "It has to involve me with a shaved head in the desert in search of water."
          "You got it!"

Cut Aways - I guess the director ran out of material to fill the 104 minutes and felt it was ok to add zoomy, music montages of comic strip pages from the Tank Girl comic. This also gave him the opportunity to show a scene and not use any actors or props. Example: when they upgrade the Water & Power tank to be a bit more suitable for TG, it's just a bunch of stills from the comic strip and a voice over of Lori P. saying things like "yea!" and "pow!" and shit. They aren't that short either, not like what you'd expect between scenes of Saved By The Bell or something, these are their own little segments of nothingness.

Invincibility - What fun would it be if the main character got shot and died. None, I know. But that doesn't give the film the right to rub it in our face. Tank Girl might as well have had a midget in a backpack constantly shooting her in the head without causing her any injury with the way she gets through some of these fight scenes. Her biggest injury the entire film was a cut on her forehead.



If you want any reason to see it, i'd say see it for Naomi Watts. She is just so adorably nerdy in it, with her pre-movie star eye brows, round glasses and short black hair. Also that accent! Australia here I come.

Also, the ending it stupid and abrupt. Like this.

View-O-Meter

Looking at my Youtube videos in order of popularity always helps me choose what my next art project will be. It also shows me what people are looking for on youtube. Here is my current, top ten watched videos from my YouTube art channel 'HEYELEFANTE':

Solid Cold: Why it beats the heat

Living in southern California gives me a pretty limited array of weather conditions. It ranges from hot to cold and occasionally rainy. That's not much to work with, although I find that I usually prefer the cold to heat for a number of reasons. Here is my list of why the hot sun can shove it and jack frost can stick around.

Mike's 25 random facts

1. My goal in life is to be able to survive while being an artist of any sort (musically or the other kind)

2. I feel naked without my glasses. like really really naked.

3. i'm embarrassed of my workers hands

4. i was voted funniest student in 8th grade

5. Im actually very shy (been working on it)

6. i've never been in a real fight, although i did get punched in the eye for calling a kid an idiot in little league....he was my teammate.

7. When i was little i once peed my pants on the matterhorn before the ride even started

8. I used to only look people in the mouth when they spoke....if not their mouth, away from their face completely. I've worked on this also.

9. i've probably only read two real books front to back in my lifetime. really

10. The Coachella lineup is amazing this year, honestly mind blowing.....but i really dont want to go.

11. I've never been stung by a bee

12. The only bone in my body i've broken is my nose, which i then got rhinoplasty to correct.

13. May of 2008 i hyperventilated my way into the hospital. i got to the point where i couldnt see or comprehend what was going on.

14. i've kissed four girls in my life (also working on it)

15. When i drink i become everyones best friend

16. i really like animals

17. i eat extremely fast and i get it from my mother

18. i prefer gloom to a hot sunny day ANYDAY

19. i am slightly afraid of heights. If there isn't a good safety device to keep me in place my legs get weak.

20. i wish i could grow better facial hair. like luke wilson in The Royal Tanimbaums. yeeeaaahh

21. the family pets in my lifetime have included:
squeaky - hamster
speedy - lizard
whiskers - rat
noodles - rat
booger - parakeet
angel - parakeet
2 unnamed rats
2 unnamed mice who had 10 unnamed babies
guido - dog
sassy - dog
coco - dog
jason - tarantula
too many fish
3 asshole frogs
and i think that's all of them

22. i don't like to break rules or hurt peoples feelings

23. i have acute scoliosis

24. I've been a student at 7 different schools in my life

25. there are a million Mikes in the world but there is only one Mike Oncley and im proud of that

Mike's Coffee Etiquette

As most of you know, iI work at a coffee shop. I work at It's A Grind pretty much every morning from 5am to whenever. I get the privelage of seeing many different kinds of people and experiencing their personalities. Although this sounds like sugar and rainbows it can be a bit daunting.

I come to see many habits and traits that customers have that are a little less than appealing, especially to someone who is about to make something that will go in your mouth. Here is a not-so-short list of my pet peeves of annoying customers at It's A Grind: